When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
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Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Put a ring on it
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
choose your gary
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️