When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
translated into Canadian
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
o shit
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Sending in my taxes
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
everyone has that one prude friend
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?