When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
You Might Also Like
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
how to market bottled water to dads
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.