“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Kermit goes Blue.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close