“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
2022: I can fix it
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
The three genders
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years