My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
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[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Love is always patient and kind.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
also my go-to takeaway order
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!