@BuckyIsotope: When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she's just not that into you.
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@jazmasta: Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I'm sticking to my guns.
@Dildo_Hitler: Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he's shrunk
@Mr_Kapowski: [restaurant] Man *proposing to his gf*: "Will you make me the happiest man alive?" [me, alone, eating nachos a table over] "Not possible"
@DonSchanke: For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn't get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don't have kids