When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
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me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME