When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
You Might Also Like
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
May never get over this
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.