When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.