When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
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I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I have a new favorite meme page
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
uncle dave has been through hell
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*