When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
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Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.