Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
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Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Solving a traffic jam
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.