When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
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People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too