@SloanPerry: when you push a pull door and the person behind says "you need to pull" aye cheers lad sure next plan was to start lifting from the bottom
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Where were you supposed to poop? 2-year-old: The potty. Me: So why didn’t you? 2: I’m too busy.
@truegritrumble: ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don't fly. PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance* ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
@toastymoe: Bad news: I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school. Worse news: I'm a bus driver