When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
You Might Also Like
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My favorite farside!!
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
The French cow says MEUX…
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!