When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still