When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
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[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
🤣😂🤣
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
😬
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
my mom making me talk to relatives
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*