When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
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Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.