Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
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I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.