When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
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ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I’m not wrong
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.