you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long