FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
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good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Lmaoo 😂
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I laughed at this way too hard.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.