“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
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My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?