The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
#winning
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
🔦🌙👣
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂