no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
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Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
pizza
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.