When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Cucumbers Anonymous
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.