When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs