Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
You Might Also Like
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.