I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
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Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Important
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Kids, do not try this at home!
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.