When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
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I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Oh yeah that’s it
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*