COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
no one likes gloating
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I identify as an antique shop.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Check out the legs on this baby