@catstronomical: Me: I've got a 12 pack in the fridge Him: Toss me a cold one *Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

@LipstickSpice: I'm getting married! Well, I have a new boyfriend! Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night! FINE. Shoe salesman said "Come back soon".

@Ditchful: adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane

@NOTVIKING: [last day as head juror] judge: how do you find the defendant me: guilty judge: and the full sentence? me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty

@qwertying: A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with - If elected I promise..