@werehedgehog: When your baby cries, don't feed it. That's just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
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@catstronomical: Me: I've got a 12 pack in the fridge Him: Toss me a cold one *Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
@LipstickSpice: I'm getting married! Well, I have a new boyfriend! Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night! FINE. Shoe salesman said "Come back soon".
@Ditchful: adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane
@NOTVIKING: [last day as head juror] judge: how do you find the defendant me: guilty judge: and the full sentence? me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty