When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
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I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank