When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
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There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd