When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
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Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don鈥檛 know what it鈥檚 for but I feel like I need to be offended.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
2019: Keep the change
(because I鈥檓 generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I鈥檓 not touching that)
self care is telling yourself you didn鈥檛 hit the curb, the curb hit you
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma鈥檃m I just need you to sign for these packages.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
馃檧馃檧馃檧馃樄
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school鈥檚 lost and found section
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[on a date]
me: so anyway鈥 just don鈥檛 understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!