@rolldiggity: When your date asks about your hobbies, DON'T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, "Collecting knives with strangers' prints on them."
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@ComicMikeV: Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
@DosieDoe: *Do not consume if seal is broken* I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
@briancthayer: [rap battle] Opponent: *crushes it* Me: Oh, I... umm. I thought this was something else... *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*