Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
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The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.