When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
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I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!