@PaperWash: When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
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@Brianhopecomedy: I'm watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
@marebytes: Facebook tells me today is "National Winnie the Pooh Day" ... I hope they're ok with me just wearing a red t-shirt & no pants to the office
@dafloydsta: DOCTOR: I'm afraid I've got bad news ME: *pulls an apple from pocket* DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS