@PaperWash: When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
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@SteveSuckington: Teacher: did you cheat on your math test? Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
@FeelingMervis: Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, "Hey man where's that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!"
@shariv67: Got so wasted last night, had to take a train home. And now I can't figure out how to return it.