@PaperWash: When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
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@bmarked21: Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
@Matt_The_1st: Can I take your order? Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke. Sir, this is Wallgreens OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
@HrBry: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate
@sa_mohn: In school it be like 2+2=4. Homework: 2x8+3=19. Then the test: Juan has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the suns mass. Wtf