When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.