@timdonakowski: When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
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@Donna_McCoy: Inventor of the toaster: How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
@Rich_McCarthy: Check for bed bugs by yelling "Gee, I'm so happy there are no bed bugs here!", and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
@dave_cactus: HER: Are you free Friday night? ME: Let me check my colander. HER: Your... ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I'll be making spaghetti.
@TheTweetOfGod: Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.