when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Spring of Deception
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat