when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
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[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
who did the taste test?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”