When your parents check you’re ok.
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Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”