You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
You Might Also Like
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers