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school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.