@NoogsCorner: When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.
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@iamch0pper: if you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "in jesus name amen"
@Dutch_50: Doctor: You have acute alcoholism. Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it's not very cute in the morning.
@CastAwayKristen: Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work. Help forum: Should’ve had a better case. Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.