@NoogsCorner: When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.
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@clint_bing: *I knee slide down the aisle, microphone to lips* ARE YOU READYYYYYYYY FOR JEFF'S FUNERAL?!
@cbdoubleu: Jeopardy] Alex: This floats your boat. Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy? Alex: I'm sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.
@staceaustin: Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we're having communion for dinner.