I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
You Might Also Like
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Did a trash talking tree write this?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions