Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze