Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.