when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
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*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
step 6: release the wall snake
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs