I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
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A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
😂😂😂
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.