When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
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How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
When ur friends with white people
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here