@notbedelia: When your wife says she needs a new broom it's best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@JournalismJunk: The closest I've come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I'm getting weighed.
@justinshanes: I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, "Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!"
@VaguelyFunnyDan: Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he's a centaur with spiders for lips
@brianbowman73: Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS. I haven't run out of receipt yet.