A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
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Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.